Instead of living life I was living to stay alive....

I blinked and life had consumed me. Instead of living life I was living to stay alive. How did I become a play by the rules type of girl?


I don't think I had a spontaneous thought in years. Everything in my world was planed and played out to the tee. I had become the epitome of the kind of women I promised myself I would never be. Little Miss Predictable, Miss A Dime A Dozen. Defiantly replaceable and that was the fatal blow.Things could not continue like this and if they were to change I had to do it today before fear could sneak back in.


"I am going to that Christmas party!"


So I hopped out of bed and went to my closet and picked out one of my many black pant suits with a white Calvin Klein button up shirt. I garbed a pair of my black Nine West pumps off my rack. Just as
I began to slide my feet into my shoes I laughed.


"You thought you would pull me back in that quick? Ha! I got something for you Life."


I ripped off my white shirt and pant suit. I stood in front of my mirror and gave myself a stern talking to.


"Okay, look today is the day I take life, my life back. I will no longer live life according to what the world thinks is right. I will live by my rules. This is my life, my journey and for now on I will be the only one in the driver seat. Life is to short and way to long for regrets. Only I can determine the kind of me I want to be."


And with that I took a deep breath and let my perfectly sculpted bun down. As I let my hair fall were it may I brushed my lips with my high 18 hour lip gloss. I opened up my makeup case and applied my Revlon mascara and decided to stop with that. This would be part of the new me. No longer spending hours applying makeup that I never even cared for. I replaced my black pant suit and white shirt with my Hot pink Ralph Lauren ruffle front shirt and my cream Calvin Klein pant suite that I had tailored to fit my 5'6" frame perfect. My pants hit my gold Jimmy Choos a quarter of the way down their 4 1/2inch heel. I put on my razor thin gold hoop earrings and tucked my gold Betsy Johnson clutch under my arms. I smiled as I took one last look at myself in my hall way mirror. My soft smile begin to light up my face a single tear of joy slid down my cheek. I had not seen this women in years. A feeling of relief consumed me as I wiped away my tear and blew myself a kiss.


"Welcome back girl, now lets go live."


I closed the door behind me and presented the new me, the real me to the world.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I was writing this I couldn't help but think of all the spontaneous moments I have day to day that I allow to wash away with the lack of time left on my daily planer.
8:30am make breakfast
9:00am work out with Jenny on the Wii
9:45am shower
10:15am .....
and on and on.
This story did not start out with me writing about me and my life but as I think about it our life's run parallel.


So,
today is the day I take life, my life back. I will no longer live life according to what the world thinks is right. I will live by my rules. This is my life, my journey and for now on I will be the only one in the driver seat. Life is to short and way to long for regrets. Only I can determine the kind of me I want to be.

Maybe Another Time in Another World 3

Part 3

I got up the next morning and called Detective Wheeler. At first I was not going to tell him anything but I figure it can only help me if he locates him before I do. Detective Wheeler was so happy after I meet with him. He could not believe the description I was able to give of the faceless man that took my fathers life. " This is wonderful information and with it I know we will have this monster off the streets in no time." I told him" Thank you for everything and if anything goes down to please give me a call."

I decided today is the day to take my life back. So as hard as it was I got out of bed, jumped in to my running gear and went down stairs.

"OMG, picture meeting you for breakfast " Ayla said in a joking voice. "I Know. Right!" I said with the smile on my face that has been missing for a while." I think I'll take a run this morning. I really need to think."
"You have been though a lot honey so take your time. There is so much to think about.  I'm just happy to see you out the bed and you know I am here for you if you need me."

We sat and talked as we drank a cup of green tea.
"I think I'm going to start school on time because I know daddy would not approve of this new life I picked up, cutting myself off from the world and just sleeping. He worked entirely to hard to get me wear I am for me to disappoint him."
 " That is a wonderful idea Nevaeh."  Ayla tried on numerous occasions to get me out of the house with no success.
" Well I have to go meet Landing and his mother today so I'll call you when we are done so you can meet us for lunch if you feel up to it."
Ayla and Landing have been dating for a year now .
 " So this must be getting pretty serious. Is his mom in town or is this a special visit to meet you." I said with a big smile on my face I know how Ayla has been feeling Landing for a while and was hoping this was the real thing. According to her response it must be.
" This is a special trip just for little oh me" she said with the biggest kool-aid smile and sweets twinkle in her eye. I smiled as I walked away singing" here comes the bride, here come the bride".

Me and Jo Jo had a great 5 mile run. At first it was hard for me trying to understand how the world seemed to be moving at a normal pace and I could barely breathe. I think I cried for the first mile or so then as I looked around I remembered how much daddy loved life and how he would want me to continue to live and that is exactly what I did.

I invested my whole being in to school and came out the head of my class and with a job. Neiman Marcus offered  me the position for assistant  buyer at the Atlanta location . This job was great every thing I could ask for. It involved everything I enjoyed doing in my free time shopping, fashion and traveling.

"Good night Ms Songs enjoy your vacation."
" I will and know that I'm only a call away so if you need me call me "
"We will but please make sure to enjoy yourself you deserve this time OFF" Mesha said as I grabbed the last of my things and crammed them in my Prada briefcase. Mesha was my assistant, my right hand, and I made sure she was aware of it because lord knows good help is so hard to find.
I could not get in the car fast enough. I unbuttoned my jacket and tossed it on the back seat and turned my music up as loud as I could without busting my speakers. I love to feel the beat as it crashed into my body.  I never needed anything as much as I need this vacation. I have been at Neiman Marcus for four years and have only been off four days. Two days when I had the flue and two days for Ayla's wedding.  In that time I have gone from assistant buyer at the Atlanta location to head buyer for their entire Eastern reign. This success came with enormous sacrifices to my now non exciting personal life. Since daddy's murder eight years ago I haven't been able to trust people enough to allow anyone close to my hart. The fact that they never caught the bastard that killed my dad made it that much harder.
I can't believe that they could not come up with an arrest with all the DNA evidence and my description. Its like this bastard fell off the face of the earth. But I keep a copy of a sketch I made of the tattoo he had on his shoulder saved to my blackberry. Not that I need it.

"Nevaeh, hey honey how was you drive."
I know why drive 6 hrs when I can fly one hour. Its something about turning up the music and feeling the tries clinging to the road as the wind blows though my hair that gives me a rush.

Maybe in Another Time in Another World

Part 2

"Daddy please don't leave me. Daddy please. I can't make it in this world without you. You're my heart. God please I promise I will live right. You already taken my mother from me please lord don't take my daddy too".
Just then daddy grabbed my hand and put it to his chest I swear I could see his life leaving his body.I began to sob uncontrollably as the room went dim.


I woke up in the hospital with my best friend and next door neighbor asleep in chairs by my bed side. I couldn't remember how I got here or why I was here for that matter." Where was my dad? He would be able to explain everything. What the hell is going on?" I said to myself.
Just as I was sitting up Ayla grabbed my hand.
"Nevaeh, honey how are you feeling."
From the look in her eyes I could tell something was seriously wrong.
"Were is  daddy?"
"Nevaeh, honey  do you remember what happen?"
It was the tone in her voice that told me something horrible happen to daddy. " No I don't were is my farther" I yelled out.
"Nevaeh honey"
" You honey me one more time.  Where. is  my  farther!"
"Honey"
Before she could finish her sentence I shot her a look that could kill.
"Okay" she grabbed my had a little tighter. " Its been a terrible accident"
My hart dropped it was all coming back to me. I could feel my hand start to shake the tears began to blur my vision " Oh lord. Daddy. He got shot. Is he okay"
"No honey, he didn't make it."
The whole horrendous scene came flashing back. I instantly felt sick.


They keep me in the hospital till the next morning. Kim arrived just as I was signing my discharge papers to take me home. I made Ayla go home to shower and rest she had been there with me the whole night. I don't think she slept much, every time I would wake up screaming or crying she would be right there to wipe my tears or just to hold me till I fell back to sleep.


"Are you hungry baby?"
"No" I said and pushed the seat all the way back. I closed my eyes and try to block all the memories from flooding in.
As we drove home I could tell Kim wanted to say something to console me but she just could not find the words. I felt the car stop and heard a soft voice say "welcome to burger king may I take your order"
I closed my eyes and it happened the image of a lion jumping out of the word king flashed before my eyes. I could see it clear as day. I couldn't see the shooters face but I did see his tattoo on  his right shoulder as he ran to get away from the bullets flying from my .357. That lion was edged in to my memory and at that moment I told my daddy I will revenge his murder. The person responsible will pay.


I couldn't bear the sight of our house so Ayla went and got some of my things for me later that night. While she was gone I finally checked my voice mail. Everyone from under the sun left a message telling me how sorry they are and how they will pray for me . I know they mean well but I felt worse with each message I listen to.  The last message was from the detective. "Hi Ms Songs this is detective Wheeler it is extremely  important that I speak to you as soon as possible. Please give me a call at 919-555-3232."Ayla got back to her house around 10:30 with some of my things and the bottle of Jamaican rum we had sitting on the bar top. We drank a few shots of rum and talked about all the good times we had over the years, we laughed about all the  times daddy caught us doing some off the wall shit. Stuff that we should have gotten our ass kicked for but instead daddy had a story so crazy that scared us from ever trying it again. We cried as I told Ayla every thing that happen that night.
" Did you get a look at the guy?" she asked.
"Not at his face but I know he's about 6'2" and maybe around 180. He has caramel skin and had his hair braided and on his back right shoulder he has a tattoo of a lion coming out of the word king."
"Well damn, you pretty much got every thing. Did you tell the detectives yet"?
" No" I replied. I guess she must have seen it in my eyes because she looked at me and said
"NEVAEH don't do anything crazy."
I laid back on the sofa and closed my eye and fell asleep.

Maybe In Another Time in Another World

 Every time I turn around someone is writing a book so I figure i give it a shot on a smaller frame. So here goes.
Part 1

Year 1990
Tomorrow Ayla  and I will be leaving for Tokyo. It was a graduation gift from daddy. I was starting The Art Institute of Atlanta in two months and daddy thought it would give me a head start to visit one of the biggest fashion capitals of the world. He told me to pick one person to travel with me and who other then my road dog Ayla. We have been tearing the streets up together since we were cubby buddies in kindergarten. I was so excited I could hardly wrap my hair right. After about 5 minutes or so I got it wrapped and tied up. I was just settling in the bed when daddy came in my room.

 Never thought this would be the last time I would kiss my daddy good night.

"Good night princes baby".
My dad said as the moon light shined across his almond colored skin. He was very hansom man, not the tallest but far from short.  The ideal man, a single dad of a very girly girl. My mom passed away when I was 8 years old in a car crash. My mom was an orphan and my dad's family was back in Jamaica so it was he and I left alone to tackle all of my childhood endeavors such as getting my period for the first time. One of my may terrifying moments moments that would have been great to have a mother. On that day he took me to buy my first pack of pads. He knew I was embarrassed so he kissed me on my forehead told me to go sit in the car and he will take care it. When he came out he had a CVS bag and one of the biggest red teddy bear I ever seen.
" What a wonderful man." I thought to myself.

"Good night daddy,thank you so much for Tokyo and always being there for me. I love you daddy"
"Love you too princes baby" that's what he always called me.

It was at that moment I knew that my husband would have to be a loving island man just like daddy.

That night I fell asleep listening to the quite storm.
Something woke me up out of my sleep I sat straight  up as this strange feeling swept over me and then it happened.
The loudest noise I ever heard. It felt like it rippled though out my whole body.

Jo Jo began growling and barking as if he was going to war.

I herd my father yell out "Frankie"
From the sound of his voice I knew something was wrong

I heard him say "No"
and then he yelled out as loud as he could
 "Frankie, princes baby, Frankie".

Frankie was a code word daddy and I made up as our panic word. I never really felt a need for it until I heard him bellowing it that night.

I don't know how I got down stairs but the next thing I remember was standing in the door way of my front door and squeezing the trigger on my .357 Magnum.  

Click, click.

I was still pulling the trigger of the fully unloaded gun when  my next door neighbor Kim removed the gun from my hand and wrapped me in her arms as tight as she could and dialed 911.

"How could this happen?  Who would be so heartless to take away the only person on this earth that loved me unconditionally? How could they be so selfish to take away my hart?  How would I breath."

I jerked away from Kim and fell to my daddy's side.

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Happy 4th and I hope you enjoy yourself and be safe. I love the 4th it reminds me of the good old days cook outs kids playing with the water balloons fresh cold watermelon. Wow good old days. Red White and Blue be kind and cherish everyone dear to you.

Love Lost

People get married now for the sake of doing it. They don't understand all the hard work that it take to keep it strong and healthy. Your marriage is like a plant you have to plant the seed in good foundation and give it sun and  water to grow. It's very time consuming but if you put the work in you will get something beautiful out of it.


Is it to much to ask for to want to be touched,
Held and caressed
Is this the new us
Is this really as good as it's suppose to gets
Is this the prize for giving your time 
And commitment
Your hart is thirsting for love
You soul starved for intimacy
"Tell me
When did it become 
Not enough
For
Me
To just be
Me"
You usually don't ask but give it a try 
For this is what Dr. Phil said is the biggest reason why
More and more marriages end in divorce
Because the lack of stepping in and changing the course
So instead of bowing out like a coward and run
Choose to stand up for the change that will come

P.Y.T.

Teen pregnancy is growing at a rapid rate and it has to be a reason why. So I have been thinking! Here's what I came up with....
Our young ladies are lost and in need of love. We live in a world today where physical contact no longer exist. We talk via text and email no one ever really picks up the phone and dials a number. I know I don't I use speed dial and if for any reason I lose my phone the only number I know is my sister.  Did you know you can check if your child made it home with your security system on your cell. It"s an application for it. I feel like our girls are so physically and emotionally detached that the act of having sex is so meaningless to them. To hell with a kiss, most of them have had sex before even experiencing a real kiss.We have to get back in touch with one another, most importantly our young girls. We have to let them know how special they are, and how special your first time is. How that moment should be shared with someone you love very much and loves you in return. We have to instill in them how a real man should and will treat you. We have to let them know that teen pregnancy is not the right choice for them or the unborn child. We have to get back in touch with our young ladies.

 P.Y.T.
Pretty young thing just barely 18
The world say you are an adult who can decide for herself
But your mind is not able to comprehend
The complexity of a wolf dressed in sheep skins


He tells you he loves you and you think it's real
So you lie down beside him and close the deal
But all of his actions after fact
Force your hart to appeal
So you stop to recap
"This has to be real
Why would he say these things
Send for me 
Lay with me
Tell me it will all be okay"
But you ignore the signs and instead of leaving you stay

Some time has gone by 
And here we are now
You,
Making a life changing decision that took two
Two to embrace one another
Two to lay with one and other
Create another
Life.
All by yourself
Now you have to decide how to continue on with this emotional ride
All the people you let down
"How can I tell them, what will they say"
So you wait and wait as the days fade away

You finally swallow your pride and come clean
PUSH
The nurse screams
6lbs 9ozs 
You now know what unconditional love truly mean.

Do you Love Chocolate! Try my Chocolate Chocolate Cherry Cake recipe it's wonderful!!!!

Please Read before you Start

Ingredients

• 1 box of your favorite cake mix and all the ingredients it calls for.(I use extra moist Duncan Hines)
• 1 box of chocolate pudding mix
• 2 tub of white chocolate frosting
• 1 bar of your favorite dark chocolate bar
• 1can of cherry pie filling

Directions
Mix all ingredients required by cake mix and add your pudding mix to that. Mix for about  5mins. the longer the better.Make sure to use an electric mixer it will make the cake mix creamy.Shave half of your chocolate bar into the cake mix. Fold in to mix with spoon. (Do not use mixer for this part) Divide mix into 2 cake pans. Bake according to time on box. Let cake cool enough for you to handle it. Cut each cake in half  so you have 4 round cakes. Spread 2-3 tbls of frosting on 3 of the 4 cakes and stack them up. Put the last layer on top. Lightly frost the whole cake top and side put it in the refrigerator for about 1hr. After 1 hr frost heavy with 2nd tub of frosting.Take the can of cherry pie filling and cover the top. Take the last half of your chocolate bar and shave it on top.


**Note:This recipe is only for the real chocolate lover.

BS Girl

Okay I don't want people to think that I male bash I just feel like women are God's gift to men . More then often we get over looked on the job when it's promotion time, and taken for granted in the relationship. Too many times we are the first to come in and the last to leave at the end of the day. We are called in to close the deals and Lord knows we are the glue that holds the family together. I wonder if our successful men who have a wonderful women by their side realize that if we did not do our job in the home or as their support system they could not do their job in the office. I'm a women first before I am a mother, wife, sister or daughter and it hurts me deeply to see women being taken advantage of. So  if you don't remember anything I say remember this BS Girl. This stands for Be Strong, Grow Independent and Respect Love. Be Strong because a woman's strength can over come any obstacles. When you Grow Independent you control your destiny. Always Respect Love  because that can be the last puzzle piece you been  looking for.  Please know that a strong woman is a good woman.

B S  G i r l
 Be Strong, Grow Independent and Respect Love

Thank You

I want to say Thank You for taking the time out to read my blog and comment. If you know anyone that may enjoy reading please pass it on. 

Once more Thank You

My mean time guy called me up the other day

It was kind of strange
I was stuck with nothing to say
In the past is where he was suppose to be
But instead he's in my present confronting me 

This is some bull shit we could have done with out
Now pump your break before those unresolved feelings come spilling out

So I take a second to get my composure 
Think back and remember why it truly was over
Just like a tornado the old memories come crashing in
Tossing my feeling from left to right back left again
I'm getting light headed
I can barely breath

Get a hold of yourself
Your stronger then this
What happen to all that Independent Women shit
Remember all that dishonesty , lack of commitment and trust
Those were the things that made us a better us

That's right
Now I remember
Thanks for having my back
I count to ten
Take a deep breath
And
R-e-l-a-x

Hello Mr.
Long time no hear from
I wish I could talk
But I really got to run
So I'll catch you around.


Now that's the way the shit should be done!

Stop being so damn easy!!!

I had a friend who would always say "If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything". So I'm challenging all my female family and friends and I ask you to challenge someone you know. Tell a co-worker or email a special friend who may be having a hard time realizing their self worth. To rise to the occasion and set the bar. Simply take a stand and demand more from your MAN. Begin to assert your self, go back to the check list. Make a list of ten things you look for in a mate and stick with it. Make the first two things deal breakers. What is a deal breaker? The deal breaker is something you can't live with out. They have it or you move on no questions asked. Lets revisit our morals go back to making him work for your time, your trust and eventually your love. Try the 90 day rule. Make him show you what kind of man he is what he truly have to bring to the table before you take him into your Temple.This next thing should go without saying but unfortunately it can't,  make him take you on a date (taking you to his house or you taking him to your house dose not qualify as a date) and then walk you to the door at the end of the night. Make him pull out the chair and open the door for you. I know this sounds old fashion and you are probably rolling your eyes but if he wants you he will do it and it will be refreshing for him to have a lady that acts as such. We as women determine the quality of our men and its time we take some blame. Stop being so damn easy!!! Then and only then we will begin to see respectful men by the boat load. Until we demand more we will continue to settle for less.

Here are a few words I took the time to look up because some times the real meaning of a word can get lost when its mixed in with a bunch of bull.

1. Assert
2. Positive
3. Woman
4. Man
5. Family
6. Respect
7. Love

Set your soul free
Why do we always want whats wrong for us
Why set all these standards and boundaries only to give in 
Why is it that the ones who love us are the first to give up hope
Why pretend love found you when you was searching every corner and den
Why act like things are okay when inside you want to break down and cry
Why not set your soul free and give it the strength to fly

Happy Birthday to ME!

Today's my birthday!!!!!!!!

My Valentine's Day

OK V-Day is here and I know some people are freaking out because they don't have a valentines, well I say for get it. Be your own valentine! No one can love you better then you love yourself. Here's what you do.......

 Valentine's Day To Do List

1. You start by sleeping in, get all the beauty sleep you need
2.  Make yourself a big beautiful fruit salad with nuts( To keep you energized for the day)
3. Get dressed comfortable but cute
4. Get yourself a manicure and pedicure
5. On your way home call  in a to go order to your favorite restaurant 
6. When you get home run yourself  a nice hot bubble bath ( I like milk baths)
7. Eat your meal to a soft light as you read a few chapters of your favorite book and sip on your favorite wine
8. Curl up in your bed or on your coach and watch your favorite move

Roses are red
Violets are blue

You must love yourself  first
Before someone else can truly love you.

PS Happy Valentine's Day Sweetie

When is enough ever enough?

I don't know about you but I am so sick of all these story's about cheating ass me. How hard is it to just keep it in your pants? When is enough ever enough? But I think the thing that bugs me the most is that we as women have such a hard time just letting go. We think "If I still love him then I can make it work" no you CAN NOT. Just because you love someone dose not mean you have to stay.


There are a lot of things I have going on inside
There are a lot of things I just can't hide
There are a lot of things I want to express
There are a lot of things I have to confess

The love we shared was never gone
The love we shared still grows strong
The love we shared had such an appeal
The love we shared seemed so unreal

I never thought love would be like this
I never thought we would have our one last kiss
I never thought I would lose my friend
I never thought I would have to start again

When it's time to move on
When it's time to be strong
When it's time to be sincere
When it's time to wipe away the tears

You're the one that pops in my mind
You're the one I'll remember throughout time
You're the one, my only ture love
You're the one I'll always think of

Good Bye

Super Bowl

Boy how times have changed!!! 

I remember going to the Super Bowl party all dressed up. I would have a few drinks, and get ready for the half time show.This year I'm sitting in my living room with my soon to be three year old son sitting next to me and my two month old hanging from my breast.

Next year I'm making my come back!!!!!

PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY YOU CAN NEVER TRULY KNOW A PERSON. I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THAT AND IT CAME TO ME TODAY. IT'S NOT THAT YOU DON'T KNOW A PERSON IT MAY BE THAT YOU KNOW THEM TOO WELL AND THE THINGS YOU HATE OR DON'T LIKE YOU CHOSE TO IGNORE. 100% NOT HEALTHY.

TO ALL MY LADY’S SOMETIMES HE TRULY IS THE MEANTIME GUY!

TO: MY MEANTIME GUY 

IT WASN'T UNTIL THE OTHER DAY I WAS ABLE TO UNDERSTAND WHY I CAN'T LET YOU GO 

NOT IN A PHYSICAL SINCE BUT MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL

IN THE BEGINNING IT TOOK A LOT OF SELF RESTRAIN TO KEEP ME FROM CALLING YOU 

THE NIGHTS I FELL ASLEEP HOLDING MY PILLOW 

BUT AS WE BEGAN TO TALK I REALIZED THAT YOU MEAN MORE TO ME 

BECAUSE YOU ARE MORE 

YOU ARE MY TURNING POINT 

WHAT THEY CALL A LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE

AFTER YOU I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME PERSON

SEE OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS MY GREEN HOUSE

WHERE I NEEDED TO BE AT THAT PARTICULAR TIME OF MY LIFE SO I COULD GROW
GROW INTO A BETTER PERSON

A BETTER WOMEN 

SO I KNOW YOUR THINKING:WHAT DOSE ALL THIS MEAN 

SIMPLY 

THANK YOU 

THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU,FOR BEING THE TURNING POINT I NEEDED

THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME BECOME A NEW WOMEN, A BETTER WOMEN

THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME TO SEE SOMETIMES NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU WORK 

OR HOW BAD YOU WANT SOMETHING 

SOMETHINGS ARE JUST NOT MEANT TO BE

BE MEANING

NOT YOURS TO HAVE AND TO HOLD FOR AS LONG AS YOU BOTH SHALL LIVE

BUT YOURS TO HAVE AND TO HOLD IN THE MEANTIME 

WHILE YOU GROW TO YOUR FULL CAPACITY AS A WOMEN, AND THAT'S OKAY

FOR THAT I LOVE YOU 

YOU WILL ALWAYS HOLD A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HART THAT NO ONE CAN FILL 

SO-- 

ONCE AGAIN THANK YOU AND GOODBYE 

FROM: YOUR FOREVER GRATEFUL GIRL