Instead of living life I was living to stay alive....

I blinked and life had consumed me. Instead of living life I was living to stay alive. How did I become a play by the rules type of girl?


I don't think I had a spontaneous thought in years. Everything in my world was planed and played out to the tee. I had become the epitome of the kind of women I promised myself I would never be. Little Miss Predictable, Miss A Dime A Dozen. Defiantly replaceable and that was the fatal blow.Things could not continue like this and if they were to change I had to do it today before fear could sneak back in.


"I am going to that Christmas party!"


So I hopped out of bed and went to my closet and picked out one of my many black pant suits with a white Calvin Klein button up shirt. I garbed a pair of my black Nine West pumps off my rack. Just as
I began to slide my feet into my shoes I laughed.


"You thought you would pull me back in that quick? Ha! I got something for you Life."


I ripped off my white shirt and pant suit. I stood in front of my mirror and gave myself a stern talking to.


"Okay, look today is the day I take life, my life back. I will no longer live life according to what the world thinks is right. I will live by my rules. This is my life, my journey and for now on I will be the only one in the driver seat. Life is to short and way to long for regrets. Only I can determine the kind of me I want to be."


And with that I took a deep breath and let my perfectly sculpted bun down. As I let my hair fall were it may I brushed my lips with my high 18 hour lip gloss. I opened up my makeup case and applied my Revlon mascara and decided to stop with that. This would be part of the new me. No longer spending hours applying makeup that I never even cared for. I replaced my black pant suit and white shirt with my Hot pink Ralph Lauren ruffle front shirt and my cream Calvin Klein pant suite that I had tailored to fit my 5'6" frame perfect. My pants hit my gold Jimmy Choos a quarter of the way down their 4 1/2inch heel. I put on my razor thin gold hoop earrings and tucked my gold Betsy Johnson clutch under my arms. I smiled as I took one last look at myself in my hall way mirror. My soft smile begin to light up my face a single tear of joy slid down my cheek. I had not seen this women in years. A feeling of relief consumed me as I wiped away my tear and blew myself a kiss.


"Welcome back girl, now lets go live."


I closed the door behind me and presented the new me, the real me to the world.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I was writing this I couldn't help but think of all the spontaneous moments I have day to day that I allow to wash away with the lack of time left on my daily planer.
8:30am make breakfast
9:00am work out with Jenny on the Wii
9:45am shower
10:15am .....
and on and on.
This story did not start out with me writing about me and my life but as I think about it our life's run parallel.


So,
today is the day I take life, my life back. I will no longer live life according to what the world thinks is right. I will live by my rules. This is my life, my journey and for now on I will be the only one in the driver seat. Life is to short and way to long for regrets. Only I can determine the kind of me I want to be.

Maybe Another Time in Another World 3

Part 3

I got up the next morning and called Detective Wheeler. At first I was not going to tell him anything but I figure it can only help me if he locates him before I do. Detective Wheeler was so happy after I meet with him. He could not believe the description I was able to give of the faceless man that took my fathers life. " This is wonderful information and with it I know we will have this monster off the streets in no time." I told him" Thank you for everything and if anything goes down to please give me a call."

I decided today is the day to take my life back. So as hard as it was I got out of bed, jumped in to my running gear and went down stairs.

"OMG, picture meeting you for breakfast " Ayla said in a joking voice. "I Know. Right!" I said with the smile on my face that has been missing for a while." I think I'll take a run this morning. I really need to think."
"You have been though a lot honey so take your time. There is so much to think about.  I'm just happy to see you out the bed and you know I am here for you if you need me."

We sat and talked as we drank a cup of green tea.
"I think I'm going to start school on time because I know daddy would not approve of this new life I picked up, cutting myself off from the world and just sleeping. He worked entirely to hard to get me wear I am for me to disappoint him."
 " That is a wonderful idea Nevaeh."  Ayla tried on numerous occasions to get me out of the house with no success.
" Well I have to go meet Landing and his mother today so I'll call you when we are done so you can meet us for lunch if you feel up to it."
Ayla and Landing have been dating for a year now .
 " So this must be getting pretty serious. Is his mom in town or is this a special visit to meet you." I said with a big smile on my face I know how Ayla has been feeling Landing for a while and was hoping this was the real thing. According to her response it must be.
" This is a special trip just for little oh me" she said with the biggest kool-aid smile and sweets twinkle in her eye. I smiled as I walked away singing" here comes the bride, here come the bride".

Me and Jo Jo had a great 5 mile run. At first it was hard for me trying to understand how the world seemed to be moving at a normal pace and I could barely breathe. I think I cried for the first mile or so then as I looked around I remembered how much daddy loved life and how he would want me to continue to live and that is exactly what I did.

I invested my whole being in to school and came out the head of my class and with a job. Neiman Marcus offered  me the position for assistant  buyer at the Atlanta location . This job was great every thing I could ask for. It involved everything I enjoyed doing in my free time shopping, fashion and traveling.

"Good night Ms Songs enjoy your vacation."
" I will and know that I'm only a call away so if you need me call me "
"We will but please make sure to enjoy yourself you deserve this time OFF" Mesha said as I grabbed the last of my things and crammed them in my Prada briefcase. Mesha was my assistant, my right hand, and I made sure she was aware of it because lord knows good help is so hard to find.
I could not get in the car fast enough. I unbuttoned my jacket and tossed it on the back seat and turned my music up as loud as I could without busting my speakers. I love to feel the beat as it crashed into my body.  I never needed anything as much as I need this vacation. I have been at Neiman Marcus for four years and have only been off four days. Two days when I had the flue and two days for Ayla's wedding.  In that time I have gone from assistant buyer at the Atlanta location to head buyer for their entire Eastern reign. This success came with enormous sacrifices to my now non exciting personal life. Since daddy's murder eight years ago I haven't been able to trust people enough to allow anyone close to my hart. The fact that they never caught the bastard that killed my dad made it that much harder.
I can't believe that they could not come up with an arrest with all the DNA evidence and my description. Its like this bastard fell off the face of the earth. But I keep a copy of a sketch I made of the tattoo he had on his shoulder saved to my blackberry. Not that I need it.

"Nevaeh, hey honey how was you drive."
I know why drive 6 hrs when I can fly one hour. Its something about turning up the music and feeling the tries clinging to the road as the wind blows though my hair that gives me a rush.

Maybe in Another Time in Another World

Part 2

"Daddy please don't leave me. Daddy please. I can't make it in this world without you. You're my heart. God please I promise I will live right. You already taken my mother from me please lord don't take my daddy too".
Just then daddy grabbed my hand and put it to his chest I swear I could see his life leaving his body.I began to sob uncontrollably as the room went dim.


I woke up in the hospital with my best friend and next door neighbor asleep in chairs by my bed side. I couldn't remember how I got here or why I was here for that matter." Where was my dad? He would be able to explain everything. What the hell is going on?" I said to myself.
Just as I was sitting up Ayla grabbed my hand.
"Nevaeh, honey how are you feeling."
From the look in her eyes I could tell something was seriously wrong.
"Were is  daddy?"
"Nevaeh, honey  do you remember what happen?"
It was the tone in her voice that told me something horrible happen to daddy. " No I don't were is my farther" I yelled out.
"Nevaeh honey"
" You honey me one more time.  Where. is  my  farther!"
"Honey"
Before she could finish her sentence I shot her a look that could kill.
"Okay" she grabbed my had a little tighter. " Its been a terrible accident"
My hart dropped it was all coming back to me. I could feel my hand start to shake the tears began to blur my vision " Oh lord. Daddy. He got shot. Is he okay"
"No honey, he didn't make it."
The whole horrendous scene came flashing back. I instantly felt sick.


They keep me in the hospital till the next morning. Kim arrived just as I was signing my discharge papers to take me home. I made Ayla go home to shower and rest she had been there with me the whole night. I don't think she slept much, every time I would wake up screaming or crying she would be right there to wipe my tears or just to hold me till I fell back to sleep.


"Are you hungry baby?"
"No" I said and pushed the seat all the way back. I closed my eyes and try to block all the memories from flooding in.
As we drove home I could tell Kim wanted to say something to console me but she just could not find the words. I felt the car stop and heard a soft voice say "welcome to burger king may I take your order"
I closed my eyes and it happened the image of a lion jumping out of the word king flashed before my eyes. I could see it clear as day. I couldn't see the shooters face but I did see his tattoo on  his right shoulder as he ran to get away from the bullets flying from my .357. That lion was edged in to my memory and at that moment I told my daddy I will revenge his murder. The person responsible will pay.


I couldn't bear the sight of our house so Ayla went and got some of my things for me later that night. While she was gone I finally checked my voice mail. Everyone from under the sun left a message telling me how sorry they are and how they will pray for me . I know they mean well but I felt worse with each message I listen to.  The last message was from the detective. "Hi Ms Songs this is detective Wheeler it is extremely  important that I speak to you as soon as possible. Please give me a call at 919-555-3232."Ayla got back to her house around 10:30 with some of my things and the bottle of Jamaican rum we had sitting on the bar top. We drank a few shots of rum and talked about all the good times we had over the years, we laughed about all the  times daddy caught us doing some off the wall shit. Stuff that we should have gotten our ass kicked for but instead daddy had a story so crazy that scared us from ever trying it again. We cried as I told Ayla every thing that happen that night.
" Did you get a look at the guy?" she asked.
"Not at his face but I know he's about 6'2" and maybe around 180. He has caramel skin and had his hair braided and on his back right shoulder he has a tattoo of a lion coming out of the word king."
"Well damn, you pretty much got every thing. Did you tell the detectives yet"?
" No" I replied. I guess she must have seen it in my eyes because she looked at me and said
"NEVAEH don't do anything crazy."
I laid back on the sofa and closed my eye and fell asleep.

Maybe In Another Time in Another World

 Every time I turn around someone is writing a book so I figure i give it a shot on a smaller frame. So here goes.
Part 1

Year 1990
Tomorrow Ayla  and I will be leaving for Tokyo. It was a graduation gift from daddy. I was starting The Art Institute of Atlanta in two months and daddy thought it would give me a head start to visit one of the biggest fashion capitals of the world. He told me to pick one person to travel with me and who other then my road dog Ayla. We have been tearing the streets up together since we were cubby buddies in kindergarten. I was so excited I could hardly wrap my hair right. After about 5 minutes or so I got it wrapped and tied up. I was just settling in the bed when daddy came in my room.

 Never thought this would be the last time I would kiss my daddy good night.

"Good night princes baby".
My dad said as the moon light shined across his almond colored skin. He was very hansom man, not the tallest but far from short.  The ideal man, a single dad of a very girly girl. My mom passed away when I was 8 years old in a car crash. My mom was an orphan and my dad's family was back in Jamaica so it was he and I left alone to tackle all of my childhood endeavors such as getting my period for the first time. One of my may terrifying moments moments that would have been great to have a mother. On that day he took me to buy my first pack of pads. He knew I was embarrassed so he kissed me on my forehead told me to go sit in the car and he will take care it. When he came out he had a CVS bag and one of the biggest red teddy bear I ever seen.
" What a wonderful man." I thought to myself.

"Good night daddy,thank you so much for Tokyo and always being there for me. I love you daddy"
"Love you too princes baby" that's what he always called me.

It was at that moment I knew that my husband would have to be a loving island man just like daddy.

That night I fell asleep listening to the quite storm.
Something woke me up out of my sleep I sat straight  up as this strange feeling swept over me and then it happened.
The loudest noise I ever heard. It felt like it rippled though out my whole body.

Jo Jo began growling and barking as if he was going to war.

I herd my father yell out "Frankie"
From the sound of his voice I knew something was wrong

I heard him say "No"
and then he yelled out as loud as he could
 "Frankie, princes baby, Frankie".

Frankie was a code word daddy and I made up as our panic word. I never really felt a need for it until I heard him bellowing it that night.

I don't know how I got down stairs but the next thing I remember was standing in the door way of my front door and squeezing the trigger on my .357 Magnum.  

Click, click.

I was still pulling the trigger of the fully unloaded gun when  my next door neighbor Kim removed the gun from my hand and wrapped me in her arms as tight as she could and dialed 911.

"How could this happen?  Who would be so heartless to take away the only person on this earth that loved me unconditionally? How could they be so selfish to take away my hart?  How would I breath."

I jerked away from Kim and fell to my daddy's side.

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Happy 4th and I hope you enjoy yourself and be safe. I love the 4th it reminds me of the good old days cook outs kids playing with the water balloons fresh cold watermelon. Wow good old days. Red White and Blue be kind and cherish everyone dear to you.

Love Lost

People get married now for the sake of doing it. They don't understand all the hard work that it take to keep it strong and healthy. Your marriage is like a plant you have to plant the seed in good foundation and give it sun and  water to grow. It's very time consuming but if you put the work in you will get something beautiful out of it.


Is it to much to ask for to want to be touched,
Held and caressed
Is this the new us
Is this really as good as it's suppose to gets
Is this the prize for giving your time 
And commitment
Your hart is thirsting for love
You soul starved for intimacy
"Tell me
When did it become 
Not enough
For
Me
To just be
Me"
You usually don't ask but give it a try 
For this is what Dr. Phil said is the biggest reason why
More and more marriages end in divorce
Because the lack of stepping in and changing the course
So instead of bowing out like a coward and run
Choose to stand up for the change that will come

P.Y.T.

Teen pregnancy is growing at a rapid rate and it has to be a reason why. So I have been thinking! Here's what I came up with....
Our young ladies are lost and in need of love. We live in a world today where physical contact no longer exist. We talk via text and email no one ever really picks up the phone and dials a number. I know I don't I use speed dial and if for any reason I lose my phone the only number I know is my sister.  Did you know you can check if your child made it home with your security system on your cell. It"s an application for it. I feel like our girls are so physically and emotionally detached that the act of having sex is so meaningless to them. To hell with a kiss, most of them have had sex before even experiencing a real kiss.We have to get back in touch with one another, most importantly our young girls. We have to let them know how special they are, and how special your first time is. How that moment should be shared with someone you love very much and loves you in return. We have to instill in them how a real man should and will treat you. We have to let them know that teen pregnancy is not the right choice for them or the unborn child. We have to get back in touch with our young ladies.

 P.Y.T.
Pretty young thing just barely 18
The world say you are an adult who can decide for herself
But your mind is not able to comprehend
The complexity of a wolf dressed in sheep skins


He tells you he loves you and you think it's real
So you lie down beside him and close the deal
But all of his actions after fact
Force your hart to appeal
So you stop to recap
"This has to be real
Why would he say these things
Send for me 
Lay with me
Tell me it will all be okay"
But you ignore the signs and instead of leaving you stay

Some time has gone by 
And here we are now
You,
Making a life changing decision that took two
Two to embrace one another
Two to lay with one and other
Create another
Life.
All by yourself
Now you have to decide how to continue on with this emotional ride
All the people you let down
"How can I tell them, what will they say"
So you wait and wait as the days fade away

You finally swallow your pride and come clean
PUSH
The nurse screams
6lbs 9ozs 
You now know what unconditional love truly mean.